Answers to Questions You Never Asked: Trout Gonads Can Cure Baldness?

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Some years ago, I had a friend who went bald very young — as in, late ’20s young. He didn’t seem to mind, claiming that his smooth pate was “a solar panel for a sex machine,” but somehow, I suspected he missed his locks. Now, there may be hope for such as he. This is a heck of a tail to tell; with all the problems men have to put up with today, at least we might be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel for baldness, and it’s all thanks to the fly fisherman’s favorite target, the trout. Yes, really.

Boffins have found that trout balls can cure baldness. 

They use polynucleotides – from the gonads of the fish – to stimulate stem cell regeneration in slapheads.

Tiny 2ml micro-needles are filled with the substance and injected into the scalp, which “kick-starts” follicles to grow stronger and thicker hair.

Note: You can find a UK-to-US English translator here.

Apparently, the treatment is very effective (quick, somebody tell Cory Booker), although expensive.

The treatment had a “high level of efficacy” for “hair thickening”, research reported in the Journal of Cosmetic Dermatology found.

It added: “It promotes and accelerates hair growth and is demonstrably associated with the growth of stronger and healthier hair shafts.”

The market for the £1,000 to £2,000 “cure” is huge, with around one in four men in the UK either bald or balding.

Baldie Malcolm Wallace, 41, of Edinburgh, said he’d love to try it but added: “I definitely wouldn’t tell anyone I was using fish balls to grow my hair.”

If this proves to be effective and can be made affordable, it could be fintastic. These researchers certainly seem to have poured heart and sole into this project, and if it had failed, they would have been royally scrod, and that’s not subject to debait. But it looks like it might work, and while some may flounder in their efforts to pay the tab, and could even kraken up from disappointment if they fail, all in all, I suspect many will be glad of the oppor-tuna-ty.

It’s also possible that they may be able to work this technique to be applied a little at a time, allowing the follically-challenged to scale up, as it were. Folks who are willing to take that approach should keep their eyes on the mane chance. 

See Related: First-World Problem: Scholars Insist We Need More Gay People Studying Fish 

Florida Police Search for Thief Who Filched a Fat Fish From Bass Pro Shops

Seriously: There’s a lot of money in vanity. It’s unlikely many insurance programs will cover this, as baldness isn’t exactly a life-threatening condition, and plenty of men accept their hairlessness with aplomb. (Someone might point out that this is easy for me to say since I still have a full head of hair. It’s gone all white, to be sure, but then, I have four daughters, so I’ve earned my silver locks.) But this is interesting from the biological standpoint. It seems (details are scarce) to hinge on a certain polynucleotide being able to activate stem cells. A polynucleotide is a chain of nucleotides, which are also the basic building blocks of DNA and RNA; draw what conclusions you like from that.

If any of you viewers out there are suffering from what our British cousins call “slaphead,” and try this treatment, let minnow.

This seems appropriate.

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